Relationships

The people who shaped them, and the way they talked about those people.

7 questions. There is no order you have to follow.

• Tell me about your parents — what did you inherit from them? What did you push away?
• Tell me about your siblings. What was the dynamic between the closest ones?
• Tell me about your children — what are you most proud of? What is hard for you?
• Who was your best friend? What did you tell them that you didn't tell others?
• Who was your role model? What did you learn from them?
• What community did you feel you belonged to? What did that give you?
• Did someone teach you something essential that they don't teach in school?

Using these

Expect some of these to open doors you did not plan on. That is usually good, and it is always their call how far to go. Let a long pause run rather than rescuing it.

Asking about someone, rather than asking them

If the person is not here to answer, the same question has to change shape. “Where did you grow up?” is a cruel thing to ask about someone who has died, so each question also has a second wording, for asking someone who knew them.

• Tell me about their parents — what did they inherit from them? What did they push away?
• Tell me about their siblings. What was the dynamic between the closest ones?
• Tell me about their children — what were they most proud of? What was hard for them?
• Who was their best friend? What did they share with them that they didn't share with others?
• Who was their role model? What did they learn from them?
• What community did they feel they belonged to? What did that give them?
• Did someone teach them something essential that they don't teach in school?

The other themes

• Who they are: The questions that get past what someone did for a living.
• How they speak: Turns of phrase, filler words, how they open a conversation — the texture most interviews never ask about.
• Memories: Specific moments, not summaries of a decade.
• Personality: How they handle change, order, other people, and themselves.
• Values and beliefs: What they thought was worth doing, and why.
• The harder questions: Failure, contradiction, regret. Ask these late, and only if you have earned them.
• Objects, songs and places: A photograph, a piece of music, a room — the fastest routes into a story.
• Everyday life: What an ordinary day actually looks like. The detail that vanishes first.